COVID & Anxiety

The past few days have me drowning in anxiety & anger. If you read my post about going to Noguchi Gardens you know I have been struggling with the pandemic and staying home. Having an almost one year old who can’t wear a mask restricts what we can do A LOT. If everyone wore a mask we could go out and about and do things without the fear of anything happening. But that just isn’t the case. Enter my anxiety and anger.

Firstly, I have pretty severe anxiety about germs and throwing up so this has been an actual nightmare for me. I see everything and anything as a threat to my family’s health which is fucking exhausting. And having an eleven month old who is teething is something… He wants to put everything in his mouth and crawls everywhere, dirty hands in the mouth, shoes in the mouth, toys on the ground, toys in the mouth.

Secondly, I am angry. Angry that people just don’t do the right thing. Yesterday I was like I am going to walk Kade and I to Starbucks to get a festive-ass drink and treat to enjoy at the park. Well, the adventure begins… One of the streets I walked down had a bunch of vans with people squatting in them, which is fine but I had no escape for Kade to not be in close proximity to it all. We were on a major street and I honestly didn’t notice until we were in the thick of it already. I almost lost it crying but I held it together. Made it through that and then a man was walking on the sidewalk towards us without a mask. I am wearing a mask and have a stroller and a kid who can’t wear a mask. This guy and I… we are absolutely testing each other to see who is going to move, the adult version of chicken. I literally had to push the stroller almost into the busy street to keep him far away and in the process I ran the stroller through either dog or human shit, no one will ever know. He said, “thanks”. WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKK??!?!! You walk off the sidewalk if you aren’t wearing a mask. EVEN if all of this wasn’t happening I have a stroller and the sidewalk is only so big, have some human decency and slide over a bit.

So I have had a few days of just being on the verge of or in a mental breakdown and poor Kyle is just beside himself trying to help me navigate it all. I am trying my best to relax into the easy parts of the day and now avoid any situation that might trigger my anger or anxiety but it feels pretty impossible.

This morning I was exploring the neighborhood with Kade, which is usually low risk, I just steer him away from anyone. But one of the neighbors comes straight up out of nowhere and gives us some pomegranates. A really kind gesture, but could you not just walk up out of nowhere and boobytrap me with my son? I wasn’t wearing a mask, he wasn’t;t wearing a mask. I just ran inside and had to talk myself down.

Well that is the end of that rant. If you see a lady out and about yelling at people to wear a fucking mask it is probably me. WEAR A MASK so parents with kids who can’t wear one can actually go out into the living world without feeling like their world is going to implode.

Love, Tasman

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